Asking for Hope & Miracles

I have been dating Reverend Majed El Shafie, an Egyptian human rights activist, for over a year and a half now.  This relationship experience has been quite an isolated journey.  As I wanted to please Majed, I obeyed as many requests as I could despite some of them not making sense to me.  He hardly had the time to see me and when he did, it was always him coming into my bedroom or taking me to a hotel for the night and sometimes even just for the few hours of sex during the day.  Then off he goes until the next time he feels like seeing me again which could be over a month later.  So perhaps that's why my friends tried convincing me that he really isn't my boyfriend, or a very poor one at best, one that is afraid of commitments, has deep trust issues, or has someone at home and perhaps several around the world.  He tells me he wants to marry me and I wanted to believe him.  I have expressed my pain to him telling him that I sometimes feel like his friend with benefits or his personal whore, more the latter because friends actually do hang out and have conversations together.  Whereas he send periodic text messages asking, "u ok baby?" in which I wonder to myself if something happened to me. 

Curiously, the people I know who have met him or seen his pictures expressed being uncomfortable around him and even requesting not to be close to his photo, some citing that there is a certain darkness surrounding him.  Perhaps it was this darkness that I felt compelled to explore.  I sensed a deeply wounded man that I believed could be healed with his perfect soulmate.  Had I listened to other people's opinions and advice, I would have been free of his mysterious draw.  However, I am a stubborn fool and a very stupid one too.

He once told me that one of his 3 women he has ever dated in Canada is still extremely mad at him.  Thinking about it, who wouldn't be?  A man who is hardly present, who comes to see me about once every blue moon to have rough sex, who hinted at inviting me over to his place at the beginning of the relationship and has yet to tell me where he lives.  Also reminiscing about the psychic who warned me to stay away from him confirming that 2 other women came into her office inquiring about him as their boyfriend, makes me wonder exactly how many women he is doing the exact same things to.  He certainly has been racking the frequent flyer mileage and I have heard of a Turkish woman he would visit and wonder if the rumor he is gay may be a half-truth?

Obviously, there are intimacy and trust issues.  He certainly keeps me at a very far distance.  When I wanted to attend his rallies at Queen's Park or the 10-year anniversary of his human rights organization, One Free World International, Majed told me to not even approach him or acknowledge him.  The reason he gave me was strictly for my safety as there may be people who want to hurt those close to him to get to him.  That there may be a chance of a shooting and then I see so many families with children running around at the Catch the Fire Christan Fellowship.  That is also the reason why I have not met any of this friends.  He tells me he has no friends, only acquaintances or co-workers.  I am his little secret perhaps only his driver Bilal Naseer knows about, since he drives him to my place and is the only person who knows that Majed lives on Market Street.  

Majed does not trust yet presents himself as a trustworthy human being.  He is a reverend after all.  Yet, when I brought up the history of his title, he waters it down saying that it was the only way he could pay for school.  So it was an alternative to joining the army.  Trained as a lawyer, he is an amazing communicator and knows to give you space to voice your opinions.  He knows how to draw out the emotions of the audience by zeroing in on a story of a young victim for example.  He always has a great excuse for not being there for you.  How can one compete with saving the world?  In addition, I am sure he'll always show up at someone's funeral. 

If all these people in my life tell me to move on, then why am I still so bound to this man?  I know it must be karma.  I must have done the exact same thing to him in a past life, maybe then he was the woman.  I do acknowledge that through the emotional suffering of playing by his rules (only he can come see me - about once a month, not being able to have male friends, I cannot tell people I am dating him, etc.), I have learned a lot about myself and did lots of soul searching.

Yesterday, he got upset at me for not responding to a text that said, "Missing u." when normally he does not always return my texts nor calls.  I was disappointed when he ignored my question in a text regarding when I would see him next, since I haven't seen him since the beginning of December.  So in a sea of "missing u" throughout our relationship suddenly felt like our theme song.  He was able to fly to Montreal for a funeral and surprised everyone but visiting his girl friend in the same city he lives in is not feasible and God forbid his girl friend comes to visit him!  I wanted to text back, "prove it" in anger but decided to let it go.  Perhaps I'll find out later that he may have been out yet again visiting a refugee in a hospital or in Iraq or another country in violation, thereby making my feelings illegitimate, something undetectable in a microscope.

Noted, what he is doing is extremely noble.  Majed is doing incredible work by helping religious persecuted people migrate here to live in our diverse accepting country, Canada.  So he must be amazing at his job to compensate for his presence in the home front.  He did inspired me to learn more about human rights and I have been writing letters to many governments demanding fair actions be taken to help those in dire need.  I greatly admire Majed for his courage and bravery.  He is a great human rights activist, who just seems to be struggling to make time for me.  Or perhaps I am such a lousy lover that he rather masturbate to the many videos he took of us having sex on his blackberry.

The moment that actually released his huge hold on me was when on the last day before I left on vacation he texted me saying that he was not able to make it for me, a promise he made to see me before my birthday.  That was when I realized my worth to him.  My hopes were shattered and the imagined breath I held to see my king in shiny armour, in this case, cute black boxers with red hearts, lifted from me.  Obviously, I am not his priority nor did he really respect me.  His taking care of me is his occasional text, "u ok baby?" and "I love you more than life."  His poor dog Jack, despite his inattentiveness still gets better treatment.  Then when I finally heard his voice, I learned that he was sick!  Oh, what a great cover yet again!  A man who told me that he hardly gets sick seem to be constantly in some sort of malaise.  Maybe it is just my luck and I am over analyzing everything!   

I acknowledge that he is going through a lot in his life, no doubt.  However, I feel that I am treated as an object he can tend to, to have sex with, on his own terms.  We must have been reading the wrong contracts!  At this moment I am feeling like Psyche, except for the paradise part because I am always left wanting.  The awakening that Majed is no god of love, who flees for days on end when he gets upset as opposed to discussing issues head on, makes me really question the purpose of my being in a "relationship" with him.  He told me it is because he has a sharp tongue and he does not want to regret his words.  In that sense, he is very compassionate.

If I was in his arms right now, or if he gave me the love and attention I needed from him, I would not be writing this.  My private detective friend told me that if I am considering hiring a PI to follow my boyfriend around, then I should not be in the relationship.  Like an abused woman or a derivative of Stockholm syndrome, I take it, and want more.  I give him praise and shower him with love.  I give him space and obey him.  I am his humble servant and I do it happily so that I can have a moment of his time.  I see it now.  I remember Majed telling me the story of his friend who had a crush on a woman working in a pharmacy.  He would buy something there every day so that he could see her.  And Majed went up to the woman and pointed that out to him.  So I believe, Majed understand that people would do almost anything for love.  That or Majed just has so amazing self control.  I am not like him because I want a husband to be in my life not just to come to my bedroom for sex and a nap.  That is why I question his intentions with me.  It is okay if we both agreed to this arrangement as so many of my friends tell me, but they seem to believe that Majed is a married man, hence the hiding me from the public.  However, I made it clear that I want a soulmate relationship leading to a family in the future.  Majed, with his sweet words, concurs.  

The whole experience and relationship has left me extremely grateful because lessons and gems can always be found in every situation.  The simplest is that now I am more certain in what I do not want in my life.  A very unproductive and painful way to learn a lesson.  Majed gave me the opportunity to force myself to overcome my desire of wanting to help others before myself.  Throughout my life, I would lose myself in others' wishes and made them my own.  I recognize this and habit was at the time stronger than change.  I am made more aware that relationships are a two-way interactive organic process.  We both live in Toronto and he did not give me the option to come by to see him despite my insistent offerings.  It was really a one-way relationship.  Majed did what he wanted and I accepted.  If it was not to his liking, he'd get upset and I get hurt.  I told him once how I was unable to understand how I could feel so guilty and anxious for doing nothing wrong, just because Majed was upset that I stayed out really late for a seminar one evening.

I know that being with him means that I agree to the ways of his world.  I still feel uneasy about his comment of getting my tubes tied after we have our family, as if I do not have a choice in this.  I am curious to know what exactly did the psychic mean by Majed being found out eventually and that he'll just disappear.

My prayer is for Majed El Shafie.  That the angels and God watch over him always.  To always be in the love and grace of the Lord almighty.  He is the one who made me wonder about God and when I finally opened up and talked with God, forgiveness tears flowed freely down my cheeks.

Please forgive me for not being the lover and wife whom you want to come home to.  I wish you find that soulmate worth your time to be with for eternity.  What am I asking for?  I am asking the universe to bring me the love of my life and if that man is Majed El Shafie, then I shall love him completely.